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Sunday - Quickie Novel Reviews - Will M.

No fiction this week as I’ve been too under the weather to get a good draft. Instead, I offer up some Maxim/Gawker-media-styled “reviews” of several 20th century novels:

Ulysses

Leopold Bloom’s wife cheats on him, so he flogs his dolphin, while Stephen Dedalus has mommy issues.

Finnegans Wake

Your guess is as good as ours, but we think that Bababadalgharagtakamminarronkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunn
trovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk dude gets laid.

Infinite Jest

This kid Hal lives in Boston, plays tennis and does a lot of drugs while his mom (who’s MILF-tastic) screws around and his pops kills himself via microwave. Some evil Canadians try to terrorize the US (what else is new?) and Hal’s older bro tries to bag a girl so beautiful she wears a veil to keep dude’s from constantly hitting on her (thank God Catherine Zeta-Jones hasn’t tried that veil trick!)

Gravity’s Rainbow

Tyrone Slothrop suffers from an erectile dysfunction we only wish we had: when Lil’ Tyrone gets ready to go, actual BOMBS go off and the earth moves (“I know you can feel THAT baby”). And what goes screaming across the sky? If you have to ask, you’re too young to be reading this.

The Name Of The Rose

Sean Connery goes around trying to save an ancient library (he’s come a long way from 007) while Christian Slater gets to diddle a hot monk chick. Or maybe that was the movie. Whatever, like there’s any difference.

The Crying of Lot 49

Oedipa Maas used to ball this guy, but he’s dead now (maybe) and she gets to probate his will (we’ve done this, it’s kinky). In doing so she meets some weird rock stars and finds (or doesn’t find) a nationwide postal conspiracy. Postal conspiracy? The only conspiracy is why they take so long with our Victoria’s Secret catalogues. (We know why they’re sticky).