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Monday: " Mr. Straight Up and Down Man" by David McGovern

Mr. Straight Up and Down Man

It is the Communists. I know it seems hard
to believe, but it is true. This isn’t conspiracy. What could
the Iranians see in the Chinese? The Chinese need oil and
they need money. Why do you think there
are so many Chinese restaurants?
I really don’t know how to respond to this except to
say that I imagine that many people enjoy Chinese
food.

Bullshit. It tastes good because of the Opium
they put in it (they being the Chinese
Communists). The
Opium Wars ain’t over. Don’t be
so naïve.

I get the matches and he buys
the gasoline. It looks less obvious that
way. Town to town we cut off
the supply of not so independently owned Chinese
restaurants’ income to the People’s Republic. I order Chicken
with mixed vegetables. He orders Cashew
Chicken. Sometimes we get crab ragoon as
well.

Good shit says Mr. Straight Up and Down man.

Living on the road I pretend we are a touring band. I am not allowed
to buy alcohol. I lost my guitar
in a Chinese kitchen fire in Columbus. I lost my ukulele
in Aurora; we needed gas money. I speculate
outside the motel:

Oil comes from old biomass, like
dinosaurs and stuff. Isn’t that weird to
think about? The giant flesh and bone beasts
of the past now fuel the giant metal monsters
of the present?

Mr. Straight up and Down man thinks that oil is
mostly comprised of ancient plant
material. I say that
that isn’t the point.

I say “You’re so straight up and down” to Mr. Straight Up
and Down Man. He says “Let’s
go in. He throws his cigarette butt
in the ashtray. I still have half of mine,
but follow suit.

I get phone calls all through
the night, piquing the interest of my
business associate. I tell him it is friends calling me
drunk.
“They must be getting tanked.”
I agree. My phone records, if examined, will
show a continental divide. Evidence will
show a mutiny and a plan B. Be careful my
confidants warn me.

Cold left-overs in the morning and a sore
back (I slept on the couch). The snow
falls and I am out of cigarettes. Just as well
I suppose.

I ask Mr. Straight Up and Down Man if
he knows which cigarette gave him
cancer. He says
”yes”.